Debt Changed My Imagination

Dear Delyara, I don’t only mean my spending. I mean my inner life. Debt has made me picture the future in smaller rooms. It interrupts hope before hope gets to stand up properly. Every plan now comes with an invisible calculator attached to it. Every want gets cross-examined. Every little ease starts feeling morally suspicious unless I can defend it. That’s what I hate. Because debt doesn’t just ask for money. It asks for emotional submission. It teaches you to reduce yourself preemptively, to want less, to expect less, to apologize internally for comfort before anybody has accused you of anything. I can feel that training inside me now. It has touched my dignity. That’s the part I’m grieving most.