Even when I rest, part of me still stands over me with crossed arms

Dear Delyara, I can lie down. I can take the evening off. I can say no. And still some internal authority remains upright beside the bed asking whether I truly earned this, whether this is really necessary, whether there wasn’t one more task I could have completed first, one more message I could have answered, one more load of washing I could have put on. That inner posture is exhausting. It contaminates rest before rest has even had a chance to work. I want peace to stop feeling like a suspicious decision in my own life. I am not there yet.