Every aeroplane on my screen contains hundreds of people I cannot afford to misread

Dear Delyara, I am an air traffic controller. Three months ago, I issued an instruction that placed two aircraft closer than they should have been. Another controller caught the conflict. Separation was restored. No one was hurt. The investigation called it a serious operational incident. I completed retraining and was cleared to return. Tonight was my third shift back. Every symbol on the radar felt heavier than before. I read call signs twice, then three times. I hesitated before instructions that used to come automatically. Pilots became impatient. My supervisor said my caution is understandable but cannot become indecision. I know that. I also know there were more than three hundred people inside those two aircraft the day I made the mistake. They never knew my name. They continued their journeys while mine stopped at that moment. When I close my eyes, I see two green symbols moving toward each other. Stress is not making me careless now. It is making me so desperate not to be careless that I am afraid I will become dangerous in another direction.