Family still makes my body older and younger at the same time

Dear Delyara, Older because I understand the patterns now. Younger because I still react to them before the thinking catches up. That’s the strange tension of family for me. Awareness has grown, but some bodily reflexes remain immediate. I can intellectually name the dynamic and still feel my shoulders change, my tone soften, my spontaneity reduce, my nervous system enter a familiar old map. It’s such a layered kind of tiredness. Love and history do not cancel each other. They coexist. And I feel both every time.