I almost apologised to the cashier because my card took too long

Dear Delyara, That startled me more than the delay itself. The machine hesitated, and before anything had actually gone wrong, I could feel the apology rising in my mouth. Sorry. Sorry for the wait. Sorry for the pause. Sorry for the inconvenience of my own ordinary life moving through a public space and taking up seconds. I caught it. I still hated how quickly it came. That’s what years of smoothing do to a woman. They enter the body before thought. You become responsible not only for your own behaviour but for the atmosphere of tiny public moments that were never yours alone to manage in the first place. I left the shop thinking less about the groceries and more about how much smaller I still make myself before anyone has even asked me to.