I almost apologised to the waiter for not ordering dessert

Dear Delyara, He asked politely. I still heard myself start to say sorry. That startled me. Not because of him. Because of how deeply apology has entered my body as a reflexive smoothing tool. Too much? Sorry. Need less? Sorry. Don’t want more? Sorry. Occupy a table and not maximise the experience? Apparently, sorry. I caught myself and stopped. That mattered. Because I am trying to notice the ways I make myself smaller before anyone has even demanded it. Some habits are so old they look like personality. They’re not. They’re training.