I almost reached for noise instead of honesty

Dear Delyara, Tonight I nearly drowned the evening out. Music, scrolling, some background thing, anything that would stop the room from becoming quiet enough to hear myself clearly. I think I knew there were feelings waiting, and I didn’t particularly want to host them. But I didn’t go all the way into noise. I sat down first. And the feeling arrived without a neat label, only a heaviness. That honesty was uncomfortable. But less numbing than I expected. I’m trying to learn the difference between protecting myself and avoiding myself. Some nights it’s not easy.