I am afraid I’ve learned how to survive work better than how to belong to it

Dear Delyara, There’s a difference, and I think I’ve been ignoring it for too long. I know how to survive work. Adapt, endure, deliver, stay composed, keep structure moving, carry pressure with a straight enough face that even I can mistake the whole thing for suitability. But survival and belonging do not feel the same inside the body. Belonging has some warmth in it. Some inner yes. Some sense that your life-force is not only being spent, but also met. Survival is colder. Lately I think I’ve been colder than I wanted to admit. Still capable, yes. Still functional, yes. But not fully at home in what I’m doing. That frightens me because endurance is such a respectable disguise. People praise it. Institutions reward it. You can build a life around it and only later ask whether the life was actually inhabitable at the soul-level. I think that’s the question coming for me now.