I am ashamed of how much peace depends on money in my body

Dear Delyara, I wish I were one of those people who could say money is “just practical.” It isn’t in me. It enters the mood immediately. One number can change the shape of the whole evening. One email from the bank can make me irritable, suspicious, and short-tempered before dinner. It isn’t even greed. It’s fear, old and familiar. The fear of not coping, of being one problem away from unraveling more than I can afford to unravel. I’m so tired of how quickly money can reach my dignity.