I am more afraid now of public failure than private unhappiness

Dear Delyara, That may be the ugliest truth underneath so many of my choices. I can tolerate unhappiness for a disturbing length of time if it is quiet, familiar, and socially respectable. What I find harder to tolerate is visible failure. Applying and not getting it. Starting and not sustaining it. Speaking and sounding foolish. Leaving and regretting it in public. Being seen trying and not becoming what I hoped. That imbalance frightens me. Because it means fear is no longer only stopping me from reckless choices. It is persuading me to remain inside smaller lives because they are easier to explain to other people than a brave attempt that goes badly. I don’t want to build my future around fear wearing a sensible face. Some days, I think I already am.