I am pretending the debt letters do not frighten me

Dear Delyara, I open them at the kitchen counter while trying to keep my face blank, because the children are usually nearby and I do not want them to learn fear by watching my mouth change shape. But I am frightened. Not because I think bailiffs are coming tomorrow. Because debt has changed the atmosphere of my life. It is no longer just numbers. It is the way I hear the doorbell. The way I open my email. The way I calculate everything in two directions at once. The way I can’t enjoy a simple takeaway or a child asking for new shoes without some part of my brain whispering that I am failing at adulthood in a language the whole family may eventually be forced to speak. I know people say, “Lots of people have debt.” That does not comfort me. Lots of people are drowning quietly too. Common is not the same as easy. I am tired of acting normal while feeling like money has its hand around my throat all the time.