I am scared of how much my whole mood now depends on numbers

Dear Delyara, It’s not only about paying bills anymore. Money has started getting into places I hate — my patience, my tone, my ability to enjoy ordinary things, the way I answer my children when they ask for something small, the quickness with which I deny myself anything remotely optional. I can feel the bank balance moving through the whole emotional climate of the house through me, and I’m ashamed of how much power it has. I’m tired of opening the app with my jaw already tight. Tired of checking, recalculating, postponing, mentally cutting from myself before anyone else in the family even notices anything needs cutting at all. Tired of how often money arrives in my chest before it ever arrives in a conversation. I don’t want numbers deciding the warmth of who I get to be on a Tuesday afternoon. And yet, some weeks, they do.