I am tired of wondering whether I was the emotional engine of some friendships

Dear Delyara, I used to call it being thoughtful. Now I’m not so sure. Remembering dates, following up, making plans, asking the deeper question, circling back after hard conversations, carrying tone, repairing awkwardness, initiating again after silence — so much of what I thought of as “how friendship works” now looks suspiciously like work I was doing on behalf of both people. That realization hurts, because it doesn’t only change the present. It makes you revisit the whole friendship history and ask how much of the warmth was mutual and how much was generated by your persistence. I don’t like asking that question. I like pretending even less.