I asked the nurse to stop resuscitation and then changed my mind too late

Dear Delyara, My father had terminal cancer and collapsed at home. He had said many times that he did not want aggressive treatment, but the paperwork was incomplete. In the emergency room, his heart stopped. The team asked what he wanted. I said stop. Then, as soon as they stepped back, panic took over and I said, “Wait, please try again.” The doctor told me it was too late and that restarting would not be appropriate. Dad died. I have replayed those seconds for seven months. Was the first answer faithful to him? Was the second the truth about what I wanted? Did my hesitation cost anything? Doctors tell me his illness was advanced and resuscitation was extremely unlikely to restore meaningful life. I know. Still, I was the daughter whose words changed what the room did with her father’s body. Everyone else remembers his peaceful death. I remember saying stop and then discovering love had not finished speaking.