I borrow money to buy food and spend it on cocaine before I get home

Dear Delyara, Yesterday, I asked my sister for £60 because I said the children needed groceries. They did. She transferred it immediately. I withdrew the money, walked toward the supermarket, and called my dealer instead. I spent £50 and used most of it in a public toilet. Then I went into the supermarket with £10 and bought bread, milk, and pasta. At home, my daughter asked whether there was fruit. I said the prices were ridiculous. She accepted that because children become skilled at making sense of adults. I have been using cocaine for two years. At first, weekends, then nights, now mornings when I need to function after not sleeping. My sister thinks I am struggling financially because rent increased. She brings bags of food sometimes and tells me not to be embarrassed. I am not embarrassed by being poor. I am terrified by the fact that people keep helping the version of me they can understand while addiction quietly takes their kindness and converts it into powder before I reach home.