I Brace Before My Kids Ask for Anything

Dear Delyara, They haven’t even finished the sentence and my body is already calculating. Field trip. New sneakers. Class party. Team fee. Bigger lunch because they’re growing. New backpack because the zipper broke. Birthday gift for a friend. Before I can be a mother, I become an accountant. I hate that in myself. I hate how quickly tenderness gets interrupted by numbers. How often “What do you need?” gets replaced by “How much will that cost?” before my child even hears an answer. The kids don’t know that every request now arrives carrying my private panic with it. They just hear yes, no, maybe, this weekend, not today. I’m glad they don’t know. I’m also ashamed that money has moved into my voice this deeply.