I Can’t Tell If I’ve Become Practical or Just Afraid

Dear Delyara, I used to say I was ambitious. Now I say I’m realistic. I say it like it’s wisdom. Sometimes I think it’s just fear with good manners. Fear of wasting money. Fear of being seen trying. Fear of building something and watching it fail in ordinary lighting. Fear of wanting too much from a life that already asks so much of me. So I budget, delay, soften, postpone, strategize, look into things, think about maybe next year, tell myself now isn’t the season, tell myself later will be kinder. I’m beginning to wonder whether “practical” has become the word I use when I mean scared. That is a deeply upsetting realization at this age.