I cannot let my son sit on my lap

Dear Delyara, My son is six and always asks to sit on my lap when we read. I usually redirect him beside me or say my knees hurt. The truth is that I was abused by an older relative while sitting on his lap. I remember the television, the rough fabric of his trousers, and adults nearby who believed I was safe because I was inside the family. When my son climbs toward me, my body goes rigid before love can explain who he is. He notices. Last week, he asked whether I dislike cuddling him because he is getting too big. I told him no and tried to pull him closer. Panic rose so quickly that I stood up and dropped the book. He looked frightened. My wife knows the history and says we can find other ways to be affectionate. I appreciate her kindness and hate it. I want the ordinary thing. I want my child’s weight across my legs to mean only comfort, not an old room, an old hand, and the shame of a boy who learned that affection could hide danger. My son has begun choosing his mother’s lap without asking me. I am relieved each time, and that relief feels like another wound I am giving him without words.