I cannot undress under bright light

Dear Delyara, I am married to a patient man, but I still turn off every light before removing my clothes. My former partner used to photograph me without permission and threaten to send the images to my family whenever I tried to leave. He commented on every part of my body until mirrors felt like witnesses for the prosecution. The photographs were deleted after police became involved, or at least I was told they were. My husband knows the outline of the story. He does not know that sometimes, when he looks at me with desire, my body hears evaluation instead. Last week, he lit a candle in the bedroom and said he wanted to see my face. I panicked and accused him of pressuring me. He slept on the sofa. In the morning, he apologised even though he had done nothing cruel. I wanted to explain, but shame makes language disappear. Trauma has turned tenderness into a room where I keep searching for hidden cameras. I am afraid that one day he will become tired of loving someone who experiences being seen as danger.