I checked my bank app before bed and ruined my own tiredness

Dear Delyara, I knew I shouldn’t have done it then. It was late, I was already low, and nothing good has ever come from looking at money when I’m too tired to think properly. But I did it anyway. Just a quick check, I told myself. Just to know where things stand. As soon as the numbers came up, the whole emotional temperature of the night changed. Not because there was a disaster. Because there wasn’t enough room in me to hold the numbers as information. They became fear immediately. Then self-blame. Then that familiar low hum of shame that has nothing to do with mathematics and everything to do with what money still touches in me. I put the phone down and lay there angry with myself for choosing the worst possible time to know something. I’m writing it here so I remember next time: some facts need daylight.