I checked on both children after they were asleep and felt exhausted and grateful in equal measure

Dear Delyara, That is the closest thing to the truth I can write. There they were — one face half under a blanket, one hand open on the pillow, two children I have spent years carrying in every possible way. And standing in those doorways tonight, I could feel both the depletion and the devotion so strongly it almost hurt. I think that is what motherhood is at this stage. Not one feeling. Never one feeling. Love and tiredness. Tenderness and overstimulation. Pride and grief. Need and guilt. It all lives in the same body. Mine does, anyway.