I cleaned the kitchen like it meant something

Dear Delyara, I cleaned the kitchen tonight with more emotional intensity than the kitchen deserved. Wiped already-clean surfaces. Folded cloths. Rearranged things. Washed cups slowly. Made order where I could. I know that when I do this, it usually means something in me wants one visible sign that life can still be put back together in small ways. The room becomes calmer, and sometimes I become calmer with it. Not always. But enough to keep trying.