I count the hours until my children fall asleep so I can smoke

Dear Delyara, I stopped using cannabis during pregnancy and remained sober for three years. Then one night, after the children were asleep, a neighbour offered me a joint in the garden. I told myself it was harmless. Now I count the evening toward it. Bath, story, water, another story, final kiss, doors closed, then I go outside and smoke until my thoughts become soft around the edges. My husband thinks I do it once or twice a week. It is every night. I hide the smell with mouthwash and hand cream. In the morning, I am irritable and slow, and I blame broken sleep. Last week, my daughter woke after a nightmare and found the back door locked while I was in the shed with headphones on. She stood crying in the kitchen until my husband heard her. I promised myself that was the end. Tonight, the children are asleep, and I have already checked the packet three times. Addiction has made bedtime, one of the most intimate parts of motherhood, feel like a queue I am waiting to reach the front of.