I Didn’t Check Who Had Seen It

Dear Delyara, I posted the thing. Or sent the thing. Or shared the thing. It doesn’t matter what. What matters is I didn’t go back into it ten times looking for proof of rejection. I didn’t count views, interpret silence, turn the timing of other people’s responses into a verdict on my worth. I felt the urge. That’s important. The old reflex was fully alive in me. I still didn’t obey it. I left the phone in the kitchen and went upstairs and folded towels with my heart beating too fast for something so small. By the time I came back down, the need to check had softened. That taught me something. Not everything that feels urgent is important. Some things are just old fear asking to be fed again. I’m trying to stop feeding it so well.