I Don’t Believe Relief When It Arrives

Dear Delyara, A symptom fades, and I don’t relax. I wait for it to come back. A test is fine, and I don’t feel safe. I wonder what they missed. A pain passes, and instead of gratitude I feel suspicion. Like my body and I are no longer on the same side and I would be foolish to trust a calm stretch too fully. That is what long health fear has done. It has made relief feel temporary instead of trustworthy. I hate living like that. I hate how hard it is to inhabit a decent day without scanning it for future betrayal. A body should feel more like home than this.