I Don’t Feel Directed

Dear Delyara, I feel managed. Maintained. Moved. Scheduled. Needed. Useful. Directed? Not often. That difference is becoming unbearable to me in quiet ways. Because from the outside, my life can still look like forward motion. There are plans, days, tasks, roles, obligations, all the visible machinery of adulthood. But inside, I often feel like I am running a life rather than being led by one that still belongs to something living and true inside me. I did not expect loss of path to feel this domestic. This reasonable. This invisible. That is exactly why it is so frightening.