I don’t know how many friendships are mutual and how many are just maintained by my effort

Dear Delyara, That question has been bothering me more lately. If I stop initiating, how many people remain? If I stop planning, checking, remembering birthdays first, suggesting dates, asking follow-up questions, carrying the social thread, how much stays alive on its own? I don’t ask this in a bitter way. More in a tired one. I think I’ve been over-functioning in friendships for years and calling it love. Maybe some of it is love. Some of it is fear of finding out what happens if I don’t. The older I get, the less interested I am in performing mutuality by myself.