I don’t know when I started being more careful with her than comfortable with her

Dear Delyara, That shift was subtle. That’s why it took me so long to name. Nothing dramatic happened. No betrayal I can point to cleanly. It was more like a slow atmospheric change. I started checking my tone. Editing my warmth. Avoiding certain subjects. Feeling relieved when replies were short because then I wouldn’t have to expose too much. That is not what friendship should do to the body. By the time I admitted it, I think the grief had already begun in me. Not only for her, but for the easier version of me who once felt safe enough to be unguarded in that space. I miss that ease. I don’t know if I miss her in the same way anymore.