I Don’t Know Which Feeling Is the Original One

Dear Delyara, By the time I notice myself properly, everything is layered. Am I tired because I’m sad? Or sad because I’m tired? Is my body anxious because my marriage is lonely? Or does marriage feel lonely because I’m so anxious I can’t arrive properly to it? Is money making me irritable? Or am I resentful for older reasons and money just gives the resentment an easy excuse? Nothing in me comes one thing at a time anymore. It all arrives braided. That makes honesty feel blurry. It also makes action feel dangerous, because what if I pull on the wrong thread and call it courage when it was only exhaustion wearing a dramatic face? I am tired of being a mystery to myself.