I don’t think I’m close to burnout anymore — I think I’ve been smiling inside it

Dear Delyara, The lunches still get packed. The clothes still get folded. The work still gets done. The children still get held. The bills still get paid. The texts still get answered. That’s what makes this so dangerous. Because from the outside, competence can hide so much internal thinning. The loss of joy. The flattening of appetite. The way ordinary things now cost too much. The constant readiness. The lessening of spark. The growing sense that I am performing life more than inhabiting it some weeks. I used to imagine burnout as collapse. Now I think it can also look like high-functioning emotional absence. That possibility is close enough to me now to scare me.