I Don’t Trust a Good Day in My Body

Dear Delyara, A good day doesn’t relax me anymore. It makes me suspicious. No headache today? I wait for one tomorrow. Energy today? I wonder what’s wrong under it. No pain this week? I start checking for subtle signs I might be missing. That’s what health fear does if it lives with you long enough. It teaches you not to settle into relief too fully because relief feels temporary and therefore dangerous to believe in. I miss innocence. I miss being able to have a decent day without interpreting it. I miss not living in such an alert relationship with my own body. People think fear is loud. Mine is methodical. That’s worse.