I drink before my children wake up

Dear Delyara, I used to wait until evening. That was the rule that allowed me to say I was not an alcoholic. Then evening became afternoon, and now I pour vodka into coffee before six in the morning. My husband leaves for work at 5:30. The children wake at seven. That gives me ninety minutes to become steady enough to make breakfast. I hide the bottle inside a bag of frozen peas because nobody in this family eats peas. Yesterday, my eight-year-old son opened the freezer looking for ice cream and found it. I told him it was cooking alcohol and moved it after he went to school. He believed me. I spent the whole day thinking about how easily children accept the first version of their parents they are given. By three, my hands were shaking, so I drank again before school pickup. A teacher stopped me at the gate to discuss his reading progress, and I stood there smiling, terrified she could smell me. My son ran toward me holding a certificate and shouted, “Mum, I got star reader.” I hugged him carefully because I did not want him close enough to smell my breath. I am beginning each day with alcohol before my children begin theirs. I do not know how much longer I can call this hidden when my entire life is organized around nobody noticing.