I feel central to everyone’s dependence and oddly absent from the softer parts of being loved

Dear Delyara, I know I matter. That is not the same as feeling held. The family runs through me in so many ways — practically, emotionally, logistically. I hold threads no one even sees until something slips. And yet, because I am so associated with keeping things going, I sometimes feel that the woman underneath all that function only becomes visible when she is near a breaking point. I want something gentler than emergency care. I want ordinary emotional presence. I want to feel gathered in before I become obviously unravelled. That longing has lived in me longer than I wanted to admit. Now that I’ve admitted it, I can feel how hungry I was for it all along.