I Feel Guilty For How Often Relief Arrives Before Gratitude When Plans Get Cancelled

Dear Delyara, Someone cancelled on me this week and the first thing I felt was relief. Not because I dislike them. Not because the plan was terrible. Because I was tired in a way that had already turned social contact into one more thing I would have to emotionally perform my way through. The relief came first. Then guilt. Immediately. I think that says something painful about the stage of life I’m in — that even potentially nice things now sometimes land first as demands on energy I no longer trust I have. And then I judge myself for that. What kind of woman feels relieved not to have to go out, answer properly, smile properly, be present properly? Apparently this kind. And maybe many others too. We just don’t say it because guilt loves silence and women have been taught to feel bad for not being infinitely absorbent.