I feel guilty for how relieved I am when plans get cancelled

Dear Delyara, Not because I hate people. Because I am tired. That’s what makes the guilt so strong. Someone cancels, and before I can produce the socially appropriate disappointment, relief floods my body. No outfit. No drive. No performance. No conversation I have to carry more than I want to. No evening lost to trying to be bright enough when all I really wanted was one room, one blanket, one life with less demand in it. Then I feel ashamed for the relief. As if needing less is evidence of shrinking. As if adulthood should have made me more absorbent, not less. As if a good friend, good woman, good version of me would be more eager for people than I often am by the end of a hard week. I know the relief is information. Still, guilt gets to it first.