I feel lonelier after pretending I’m fine

Dear Delyara, There is a loneliness that comes from silence, and then there is the deeper kind that comes after you’ve spent a whole day sounding more okay than you actually are. That’s the one I know best. It’s not just that I don’t tell the truth. It’s that once I offer the manageable version, people naturally respond to that version. They think I’m steady enough, coping enough, present enough, and the evening moves on. Meanwhile the real part of me remains untouched and then feels abandoned by the life I helped create around it. That’s why “fine” has started to feel like such an expensive word.