I feel lonelier after pretending I’m okay

Dear Delyara, Not the empty-house kind. Not the no-messages kind. The kind that comes after a whole day of sounding normal. After you answer politely, smile on time, say “I’m fine” because the real answer is too messy for the space, and keep the machinery of yourself moving so well that no one notices how far away from yourself you actually were. By the time the evening quiet comes, the distance is unbearable. Not because no one spoke to me. Because no one reached me. And part of that is my fault, I know. I do the performance. I protect the room. I hand people the manageable version and then feel lonely when they only know that version. Still, the loneliness is real. It doesn’t become smaller because I helped build it.