I feel poor in the way I deny myself first

Dear Delyara, That’s how I know money has gone too deep into me. It’s not only the bank balance. It’s the reflex. The immediate self-denial, the quick cutting back on anything that belongs to me before I even finish wondering if I’d like it. The way I can hear myself say no to my own comfort with almost no internal discussion at all, as if my body and pleasure and ease are the most obvious places to subtract from. That reflex hurts more than the actual numbers some days. Because it tells me how long I have been training myself to take up less.