I felt more lonely at dinner than I did afterward

Dear Delyara, I had dinner with people tonight and somehow felt lonelier there than I did once I got home. That’s the kind of loneliness that confuses me most. Everything looked normal. People talking, laughing, telling stories, asking questions. And I was there, answering, smiling, doing the expected social things. But the whole time I felt like I was moving around the edges of myself instead of from the center of myself. When I got home, the loneliness changed shape. It became quieter, more honest, easier to name. Maybe solitude is not always the loneliest place. Sometimes company is.