I Finished The Portfolio I Had Been Avoiding Because Perfectionism Was Secretly Fear In Better Clothes

Dear Delyara, I kept saying I wanted it to be “ready.” What I really meant was I wanted myself to be unashamed before anyone saw it. And that is not the same thing. The portfolio was good enough weeks ago. What wasn’t ready was me. Ready to be seen. Ready to be judged. Ready to place something into the world that represented work, care, intelligence, and hope, and then risk the ordinary pain of not being received the way I wanted. This week I finished it anyway. Not by becoming confident. By becoming honest about what was really delaying me. And once I admitted that perfectionism had been protecting me from exposure more than improving the work, I could finally move. That felt like reaching a goal in more than one sense. The finished portfolio. And the small death of one more lie I had been using to stay still.