I forgive myself on some days and not on others

Dear Delyara, I wish self-forgiveness were more permanent than it is. Some days I can look at old mistakes and see context. Youth. Fear. lack of support. confusion. loneliness. survival. I can hold the past with compassion. Other days I feel embarrassed by who I was. Embarrassed by what I tolerated. Embarrassed by how little I asked for. Embarrassed by how often fear made my decisions look like loyalty. Maybe healing includes inconsistency. Maybe some forms of self-forgiveness come in waves.