I Function More Than I Choose

Dear Delyara, That may be the sentence that explains my life right now better than almost anything else. I function. The day gets done. The house runs. People are fed. The bills are thought about. The messages are answered. The school things happen. The body continues. But choosing? Deep choosing? Life that feels consciously mine? That feels rarer than function. And I think that is why so many ordinary evenings leave me with an ache I cannot explain properly. Because I have become very skilled at maintaining a life and much less certain I am still actively choosing one that belongs to the deeper self in me. That difference is beginning to hurt.