I held my granddaughter after years of refusing to hold babies

Dear Delyara, My baby son died from sudden infant death syndrome when he was four months old. Afterward, I could not hold babies. I attended family gatherings and smiled from across rooms while other people passed newborns between them. The weight, warmth, and smell of an infant made my body believe catastrophe was seconds away. Thirty years later, my daughter became pregnant. I told her the truth before the birth because I did not want my fear to look like rejection. My therapist helped me prepare gradually, using photographs, breathing work, and short visits after the baby arrived. Yesterday, my daughter placed my granddaughter into my arms while sitting beside me. I held her for forty seconds. Then a minute. She yawned and settled against my chest. I cried without handing her back immediately. My son remained present in the memory of that weight, but the baby in my arms was not him and did not have to survive on his behalf. I held my granddaughter until my daughter asked whether I planned to give her back.