I keep checking that my baby is breathing even while she is awake

Dear Delyara, My daughter is four months old and healthy. I know that because doctors keep telling me. I still check her breathing constantly. At night, I put my hand near her nose. During naps, I watch the monitor so closely that shadows look like emergencies. Now I have started checking while she is awake. Yesterday, she was lying on the mat smiling at a toy, and I placed my hand on her chest just to feel it move. My husband saw and asked, “What are you checking? She’s literally laughing.” I became angry because the question made the behavior visible. My cousin lost a baby unexpectedly years ago. I barely knew the child, but the story lodged inside me. Everyone says my anxiety is understandable but excessive. My doctor has referred me for support. I have not made the appointment yet because part of me is afraid treatment will make me less vigilant, and vigilance feels like the thing keeping her alive. Tonight, she is sleeping beside me. I know checking does not control her lungs. My hand is already reaching toward the crib anyway.