I Keep Going Quiet to See If Anyone Will Come Find Me

Dear Delyara, I am old enough to know this is not a healthy strategy. I do it anyway. I stop initiating. I answer shorter. I don’t text first. I let my face go still. I become quieter in rooms where I am usually the one keeping things moving, just to see if anyone notices without me having to hold up a sign. Most of the time, they don’t. Or they do, and they assume I’m tired. Which is true, but not true enough. The cruel part is that this little experiment always hurts me more than it teaches me. Still, I keep doing it. Because some part of me is still hoping to be pursued by love instead of scheduled by it. That is a humiliating truth. It is also mine.