I keep moving the starting line so I can keep calling myself serious

Dear Delyara, That’s how fear survives in people like me. Not through obvious collapse. Through refinement. I tell myself I care deeply, which is true. I tell myself the thing deserves better preparation, also true. I tell myself timing matters, that the structure needs work, that I should enter well, not sloppily, not half-ready, not in a way that exposes me unnecessarily. All of this sounds intelligent enough to protect me from scrutiny. But underneath it, often, is one humiliating truth: I am scared to be seen trying with my real skin showing. So I improve the start instead of beginning. Again and again.