I keep postponing the life I want because....

Dear Delyara, People talk about courage as if it happens in clean empty spaces. My life has no clean empty spaces. Work, house, family, school, money, emotional recovery, practical maintenance — they all arrive first and take their portion. By the time I get to the part of me that wants to build something more honest, something freer, something that feels like mine, I am already used up. Then I postpone. Then I judge myself for postponing. Then the shame becomes one more thing using energy. I don’t think I’m lazy. I think I am over-allocated. That is different. It still hurts.