I Keep Saving My Real Life for Later

Dear Delyara, Later when the money is better. Later when the kids are older. Later when work calms down. Later when I feel less ashamed. Later when I’m clearer. Later when I’m braver. Later when I’m not so tired. I have built a whole religion out of “later.” And the cruel part is that it sounds responsible. It sounds mature. It sounds like a woman making sensible decisions in a complicated season of life. But I know the truth. A lot of it is fear. Fear that if I start now, the life I’m secretly hoping for will turn out to be smaller than I dreamed. So I keep dreaming it and not testing it. I keep protecting the fantasy at the expense of the life. I’m beginning to think “later” has stolen years from me.