I keep trying to emotionally outpace what hasn’t happened yet

Dear Delyara, I don’t only wait. I race ahead. I build explanations, defenses, rehearsals, softened landings, alternate plans, imagined losses. My mind seems to believe that if it can just get there first emotionally, reality won’t be able to surprise me so badly when it arrives. But the cost is that I use today’s energy to survive tomorrow’s ghosts. I am tired of that arrangement. Very tired.