I kept the tiny suit after the adoption

Dear Delyara, My husband and I were matched with a newborn boy after six years of infertility treatments and two failed adoptions. We named him in private, painted the spare room, and bought a small navy suit for the court hearing. Three days before placement, his mother decided to parent him. She had every right. I believe that. I also spent the next week unable to enter the room we had prepared. Friends told us the baby had never truly been ours, as though grief requires legal ownership. Yesterday, my husband packed the crib and donated most of the clothes. He left the navy suit on the bed because he did not know what to do with it. I folded it and put it in the back of my closet. Today, the agency called about another possible match. I said we needed time. My husband wants to try again immediately because he is afraid stopping will make the empty room permanent. I am afraid trying again will require me to become hopeful while still holding a child-shaped absence I am not supposed to call a loss. The suit is small enough to fit in both my hands. I keep opening the closet to make sure it is still there.